Domestic Abuse: Recognizing the Subtle Signs
In today's segment, we'll be delving into the nuanced indicators of domestic abuse, intertwining elements from my personal journey. As a new listener, you should understand that while I narrate my story, it's not just about me - it's a collective narrative that echoes countless experiences from my clients. When suffering in an abusive relationship, it's easy to feel alone and singular in our struggles. However, I want to assure you that your intelligence and capabilities aren't indicative of your likelihood to end up in such a situation. Over the years, I've encountered many strong and clever individuals who've unfortunately succumbed to these harmful dynamics.
A central theme of this show, and in my professional work, revolves around healing our childhood wounds. Domestic abuse, tragically, propagates cycles of chaos and dysfunctional behavior, unsettling our nervous systems, and blurring our comprehension of healthy boundaries and self-worth. For those who are new, Chris is my third husband, and whenever I touch upon my relationship history, I maintain a level of ambiguity - not to dodge issues or vulnerability, but to protect the privacy of those involved while simultaneously encouraging you to embrace your vulnerabilities.
Understanding domestic abuse requires acknowledging its complexity. Abusers and victims are two sides of the same coin, fitting together in a sinister puzzle. Breaking free from an abusive relationship necessitates a deliberate reshaping of our persona, disrupting this destructive alignment. For anyone in an unsafe relationship, media often paints a romanticized picture of empowerment that can be dangerously misleading. It's crucial to act strategically and devise an exit plan.
Now, let's delve into some statistics provided by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). These facts paint a grim reality - nearly 20 people per minute suffer physical abuse by an intimate partner in the U.S., resulting in over 10 million victims annually. Men and women of all ages are victims, and such violence can lead to severe consequences like injury, rape, stalking, and even murder-suicides. The aftermath isn't limited to personal trauma; it extends to economic impact, job loss, and ripple effects on children exposed to such violence.
Red Flags in Abusive Relationships
These stats underline the pervasiveness of domestic abuse. If you're a highly sensitive person, recognizing potential red flags can be crucial. One such sign is a relationship that begins intensely and progresses rapidly - although this isn't always indicative of an unhealthy relationship, it's a commonality in many abusive ones. In my case, I was swept off my feet and adored, which resonated with my deep-seated longing for attention. I was young, naive, and unaware of the importance of boundaries, leaving me susceptible to manipulative individuals. Recognizing these warning signs is essential to preventing and escaping abusive relationships. It's crucial to remember that abuse can happen amidst apparent love and care, making it all the more confusing and critical to identify.
Domestic Abuse & Possessiveness
Another characteristic of domestic abuse is possessiveness. It manifests as a person constantly violating boundaries, a clear intent to monopolize another individual, and rejecting the other person's right to autonomy. The person could unexpectedly arrive at your workplace or home, possibly bearing gifts, without prior notification or considering your schedule. Their excuse usually is, "I love you so much that I can't bear losing you. I thought of you and felt the need to ensure you're okay because I care." Such behavior can escalate to disruptive appearances at your workplace, potentially causing you to lose your job. This tactic aims to enhance co-dependence and minimize external support networks that might challenge the relationship. The transformation of the victim can be witnessed as they delve deeper into this toxic relationship.
In my younger years, I would not have recognized these signs. My parents, both my mother and my adoptive father, excessively communicated with each other, particularly when cell phones became common. It was a continuous exchange every 30 to 45 minutes whenever they were apart. As a teenager, I found this excessive communication irritating and extreme. Yet, it normalized such unhealthy fusion for me. Consequently, regularly checking in with a boyfriend in my late teens felt right, as it mirrored the relationship I observed with my parents. This pattern restricted my growth into adulthood.
Do any of you sometimes feel like you're pretending to be adults? Is this part of the reason? Like all of you, I acted based on my knowledge and experiences. I was familiar with control, enmeshment, and constant feelings of shame. So, I complied and didn't resist. The idea of a boyfriend incessantly calling and expecting the same from me didn't seem strange. Little did I realize that I was falling deeper into this pit with every invasive and boundary-less phone call.
At a certain point, possessiveness evolves into control. An abuser might closely monitor time, down to the minutes. For instance, if a simple task like refueling the car took longer than anticipated, I knew I would be questioned and expected to provide an explanation. There was no freedom in my actions or time. A controlling individual doesn't tolerate lateness. Instead of understanding unforeseen delays, lateness breeds suspicion for a controlling partner. They feel entitled to always know your whereabouts, claiming their worry and control are expressions of love.
In a controlling relationship, an abuser may require you to ask for permission before making decisions, infantilizing you. This tactic is particularly effective if you already struggle with feelings of adult impostor syndrome. Such a relationship forbids activities that might cause discomfort to the controlling partner, subtly limiting the victim's world. As a victim, you're expected to cater to your partner's every need. The lesson from a controlling partner is: surrender yourself to me entirely.
Looking back, this was one of my darkest phases, characterized by profound depression. I believe I was born to be a unique individualist. So, when I allowed myself to be controlled, unaware of what was happening, I felt an intense sense of despair. It was as if I was suppressing my true self, intuition, and nature. I had lost all internal boundaries, accepting my abuser's words as absolute truths. This slowly drained my life force, making every moment of existence painful.
Control also permits the abuser to be perpetually critical. A minor delay is perceived as carelessness, opening the doors to relentless criticism about your organization skills, driving habits, or even supposed absent-mindedness during shopping. The goal is to belittle you, making you less likely to leave.
Domestic Abuse and Isolation
Another warning sign is when a partner attempts to isolate you. A controlling individual will often aim to distance their partner from their support systems, implying that these connections are harming the relationship. Consequently, they might push against friendships, familial relationships, and even therapists, encouraging their partners to sever ties or contriving reasons to relocate where no supportive networks exist - like moving out of state or even to another country.
I'll share a significant memory from my own experience, though it's not one of fondness or joy; it was a pivotal moment in my life. As a couple's therapist, I remember Ann vividly, a woman who had raised six sons and was a formidable figure. She took a stand against the man I was with at the time, rising to her tiptoes, and shouting at him to leave me alone. She challenged him, saying, "She's no match for you right now. If you want to yell at somebody, you yell at me. I can take it from you. She can't." It was the first time I'd seen someone confront him so boldly. He retreated from the office swiftly.
After that incident, he barred me from the office, but I kept going because I recognized that she genuinely had my best interests at heart. He started withholding money from me, even blocking access to my own credit. All of this happened when I was recovering from a major jaw surgery and had taken a leave from work, leaving me without an income source. I was also a college student then.
Most therapists are educated not to behave in such a way, but that courageous act on Ann's part shifted the course of my life. To the therapists listening out there, I understand you've been eagerly waiting for my coaching certification program - it's in the works. If you're curious about my therapeutic approach, I recommend reading Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning". His philosophy is that we're not born to be docile like sheep, but rather to exhibit bravery, to undertake daring ventures, and to step beyond conventional boundaries. Ann personified this belief on that pivotal day, and it transformed my life.
She passed away a few years ago, while I still owed her money. It took me nearly a decade after I first met her to finally get my life together and I was determined to pay her back. By the time I reached out, she was no longer with us. Wherever Ann is now, I hope she can see, hear, and feel me - because I'm free and I'm happy now.
Domestic Abuse and Blaming Others
Another alarm signal is attributing blame to others. Abusers are often adept at shirking personal responsibility. They tend to shun accountability for any undesirable conduct, be it verbal, physical, or sexual. They can often manipulate those around them into believing that their actions are justifiable. In my early years with my abuser, any minor mistake, like tripping, dropping something, not getting top grades on a test, or even being five minutes late, would serve as a pretext for their abusive conduct. The aim was to make me believe that everything bad that happened was my fault, never theirs. By transferring responsibility, they'd say things like "you made me do this". They adamantly resist self-improvement. If they attend therapy, it's merely to tick a box and appease someone. They lack genuine desire for self-transformation since they believe they are fine just the way they are. They display an underlying arrogance, asserting that anyone who has an issue with them should be the one to change. I've often seen abusers say all the right things but fail to follow through.
In Al-Anon, there's a phrase that advises, "Turn down the volume and observe the behavior". So, if there's an abuser in your life, ignore their sweet talk and focus on their actions. What are they really doing? Frequently, they live life as they please, without accommodating, compromising, or meeting you even halfway.
Domestic Abuse and Hypersensitivity
Another red flag is hypersensitivity. I know a lot of you identify as highly sensitive individuals. It's been suggested that high sensitivity responds to reality, while hypersensitivity reacts to the absence of something. Hypersensitivity is characterized by easily offended and insulted individuals. It's a ticket to play the victim and build a basis for rage. This could be a conscious or subconscious endeavor to give themselves permission to explode, either now or in the future.
This hypersensitivity can also manifest as an inability to handle a joke about themselves. If they manage to do so in public, rest assured, they will seek retribution later. A lack of sportsmanship is another significant sign. Many abusers refuse to participate in games or friendly sports, unless they are confident they can dominate. They find it intolerable not to be the winner. This need for control can even extend into intimate relationships, reinforcing their dominance and your vulnerability.
Abusers are generally deeply insecure individuals masquerading as supremely confident. Highly sensitive people often fall prey to the perceived wounded inner child in their abusers, using it as a justification for the abusive behavior they endure. It fits their narrative and creates a toxic dynamic. Cruelty to animals or children is common among abusers, as is a propensity for harsh teasing.
Forcefulness, whether emotional, physical, or sexual, is another critical warning sign. Abusers want what they want when they want it. Their partners are viewed not as equals but as servants, objects to be used. They might resort to overt or covert sabotage to prevent their partners from growing or evolving, fearing that they might lose their control if their partner becomes too self-reliant.
Domestic Abuse and Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse is another red flag, manifesting in constant criticism or name-calling. It's important to understand that healthy relationships exist where, irrespective of the disagreement, there are no personal attacks, and reparative action is taken when tempers cool.
The rigidity of roles is another warning signal. In my abusive relationship, my partner refused to undertake tasks deemed 'women's work' or anything he perceived as demeaning. He would never have allowed me to become the primary earner or work extensively outside the home.
Sudden shifts in mood, tone, or energy can cause the victim to become hypervigilant, giving the abuser an upper hand of control.
Violence threats are a significant red flag. During my 40s, we often vented our frustrations by uttering violent phrases, but we refrain from it now, largely because such expressions imply harmful actions. Admittedly, we all occasionally utter stupid and even abusive things, it's part of being human. However, a consistent pattern of such behavior represents a dysfunctional relationship. This consistent behavior pushes victims into manipulative roles, which can be very uncomfortable to acknowledge. I personally struggled to accept this because I've always valued honesty.
Often, codependency leads us to make excuses instead of establishing proper boundaries. For instance, we might claim we're ill to avoid an event, when in reality, we are mentally unwell because we don't understand how to set boundaries. Understanding boundaries could have saved me from the distress of attending a family event immediately after a harrowing car ride filled with tears and shame.
Domestic Abuse and Blocking Behavior
One of the final red flags I'll discuss is blocking behaviors, which are undeniably abusive. If someone restricts your ability to leave, that's controlling behavior. I was so accustomed to this from my parents that when my partner exhibited similar behaviors, it didn't raise alarm bells as it should have. Another example is removing covers from someone who's trying to sleep, an insidious, often overlooked form of control. This indicates a complete disregard for personal boundaries and is particularly draining for highly sensitive individuals. This relentless abuse eventually silences victims, making them feel stuck and unaware they have the right to reject such behavior.
Ironically, we highly sensitive individuals are often fiercely loyal, bonding deeply and clinging in the face of attachment wounds. Without proper understanding of what's healthy and what's not, we might cling to toxic relationships simply because they're there. This is particularly true for individuals with a history of neglect.
At 23, the abusive blocking behaviors escalated to physical intimidation. Despite my strong spirit, I didn't recognize these as red flags. Feeling cornered, I contemplated grabbing a knife but feared retaliation. Ultimately, I escaped without any physical harm but had to spend several nights in undesirable locations due to financial constraints.
Over time, I managed to permanently leave that relationship. I confronted the counselor who had been secretly conspiring with my abuser, demanded a divorce, and left. If you're in an abusive relationship, remember to call 911 if you're in immediate danger. For confidential assistance, you can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or explore the Aspire Curriculum from the Robin and Dr. Phil Foundation.
I was able to escape my abusive relationship and am happier for it. Even when you feel trapped, there's always hope. With strength, you can change your circumstances and find helpful people, even when everything seems dark. I left with almost nothing and found my way to self-love and self-respect, which helped me identify and maintain healthy relationships.
The most important step in this process was learning about boundaries. It changed my life and inspired me to teach others about its importance. I believe in providing as many people as possible with these tools to feel less alone and to understand that change is truly possible. Healing is a layered process, and everyone is welcome on this journey. Understanding boundaries and self-love is an ongoing quest that lasts a lifetime.
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 14
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 8
- Bullying 4
- Childhood 35
- Codependency 6
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 7
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 70
- Existentialism 1
- Faith 1
- Family 24
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 8
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 52
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 16
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 37
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 3
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 6
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 11
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 15
- Self Love 11
- Self-Care 24
- Sex 1
- Shame 4
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 14
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 8
- Bullying 4
- Childhood 35
- Codependency 6
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 7
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 70
- Existentialism 1
- Faith 1
- Family 24
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 8
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 52
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 16
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 37
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 3
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 6
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 11
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 15
- Self Love 11
- Self-Care 24
- Sex 1
- Shame 4
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