How to Repair After a Fight - Part 1
Healing isn't about never messing up. It's about learning how to come back together after we mess up.
If you grew up in a home where fighting meant the silent treatment, sweeping things under the rug, or explosive chaos, you likely never learned how to repair properly. You know repair is important, but you might feel completely lost about how to actually do it.
This isn't your fault. Many of us come from families where healthy conflict resolution was never modeled.
The Reality of Post-Traumatic Stress and Conflict
When you have post-traumatic stress symptoms, your nervous system can become overloaded during conflict. This means:
Overwhelming feelings that take you down and out
Losing your sense of grounding
Feeling ashamed, drained, or mortified
Getting stuck in freeze mode or feeling disconnected
Your system responds to conflict as if your life depends on it, even when you're arguing about dishes or socks on the floor.
This isn't your body betraying you. It's your protective system trying to keep you safe based on past experiences.
Six Essential Steps for Healthy Repair
1. Pause and Breathe (Really Breathe)
After the fight is over, stop and take multiple deep breaths. Not just one breath—lots of breaths to oxygenate your body.
As you breathe, name what happened:
"That wasn't my best moment"
"That was completely overwhelming"
"I don't even know what just happened"
Practice owning your part without shame. Stop the muscle of overexplaining. When we're uncomfortable and embarrassed, many of us start talking to fill the void, creating a spiral.
Learn to practice simple, gentle, grounded truth instead.
2. Remember This Truth About Reactions
Write this down somewhere you'll see it:
Underreaction and overreaction are not who you are. They're what you learned because it's what you saw modeled.
Every mistake is an opportunity to learn and grow. We're not sent here knowing how to handle conflict perfectly.
In dysfunctional families, mistakes become sources of shame instead of learning opportunities. But the truth is:
We make mistakes before we learn
Even babies learn through correction
Every wrong is a chance to fine-tune toward what's healthier
3. Use Radical Honesty
Being authentic isn't about saying the right thing. It's about being able to say the imperfect thing in the right way.
Try these simple, honest statements:
"I feel really embarrassed. I want to reconnect, but I don't know how yet."
"I'm so confused by my own reaction. I don't even know what to say to you."
"I don't want this disconnection to go on any longer between us."
"I care about us, and I want us to figure this out."
"I know it's on me to come back together, but I feel stuck about how."
You don't need perfect words. You just need honest ones.
4. Distinguish Guilt from Shame
Guilt says: "I did something wrong, and I want to make it right."
Shame says: "I'm a terrible person because I'm the one who did wrong."
Guilt motivates repair. If you step on someone's toe, guilt makes you ask if they're okay and offer ice.
Shame keeps you stuck in self-attack mode, which doesn't help anyone.
Healthy ownership sounds like: "I dropped the ball. I'm sorry. I'm doing what I can now to make it right."
Unhealthy ownership sounds like: "I'm the worst. What's wrong with me? You shouldn't even be with me."
The second approach puts the hurt person in the position of having to comfort you instead of receiving repair.
5. Separate Repair from Problem-Solving
Here's something that might shock you: Repair doesn't mean fixing the issue you argued about.
You don't need to:
Process the entire fight
Have a solution to the original problem
Fix everything at once
Sometimes just acknowledging that a rupture happened and that you want to repair it is enough to begin. Repair is about getting the ball rolling back to connection.
The original issue might look different after you've repaired the relationship. Your perspective may shift once you're reconnected.
6. Use Your Body Language
As highly sensitive people, we often overvalue verbal communication and dismiss other important forms of connection.
To soften your own energy:
Put a hand on your heart
Give yourself a hug
Sit in your comfiest chair
Grab a cozy blanket
To connect with the other person:
Open your arms instead of crossing them
Soften your facial expression
Make eye contact if possible
Speak in a softer voice
Offer appropriate physical touch (hand on arm, etc.)
Sometimes touch communicates "remember who we are" better than words ever could.
Creating Safety in Conflict
If you're in a relationship that you know is safe when you're not triggered, remind yourself:
"I am a safe person. They are a safe person. I am safe."
"Conflict sucks, but it's safe for me now."
"Even uncomfortable conflict is still safe with a safe person."
Growing up, conflict might have meant:
Getting hit or punished
Having love withdrawn
Facing shame and restriction
But in your adult life, you can work to build something different.
The Inner Child Connection
Everything you do to repair with others, you must also do to repair with yourself. When you mess up, your inner child needs to hear from your adult self:
"Oh, sweet girl/boy, that was not my best moment. That was not how I want to be. I'm willing to learn some new things so I can be better."
This self-compassion creates the emotional room you need to reconnect with yourself and others after upset.
Moving Forward
Learning to repair takes time and practice. Your brain needs to receive the message that it's safer to be safe, that hypervigilance is no longer needed.
If you do the work and stick with it, your subconscious will eventually understand: "Conflict with this person is way safer now than it ever was when we were young."
Remember: It's safe to be a flawed and imperfect person. It's safe to feel regret for mistakes instead of shame for normal, natural human errors.
You can learn these skills at any age. This work is part of your empowerment and essential for breaking cycles of emotional immaturity.
What's one small step you can take today to practice healthier repair in your relationships?
Episode Tags
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- Abuse 16
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 9
- Bullying 5
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 10
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
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- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 74
- Existentialism 2
- Faith 1
- Family 28
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 13
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 52
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
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- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
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- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
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- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 19
- Resiliency 12
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Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 16
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 9
- Bullying 5
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 10
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 74
- Existentialism 2
- Faith 1
- Family 28
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 13
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 52
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 38
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 8
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 19
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 17
- Self Love 11
- Self Respect 1
- Self-Care 26
- Sex 1
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