How to Repair After a Fight - Part 2
This is Part 2 of our repair series. If you haven't read Part 1, go back and read it first for the complete picture.
Fighting happens in every relationship. But what comes after the fight matters more than the fight itself.
Most of us never learned how to repair properly. We watched our parents blame, deflect, or sweep things under the rug. We learned dysfunction, not healing.
Today, you'll learn the exact steps to repair after conflict—even when you've never seen it done right.
Step 7: Offer Co-Regulation to Yourself and Others
When you're triggered, your nervous system goes into chaos. You're dysregulated.
Think about babies. They can't calm themselves down. They need a regulated adult to help them find peace. Their nervous system matches what they feel from their caregiver.
If you grew up with dysregulated parents, you missed this crucial experience. Your nervous system learned chaos, not calm.
Co-regulation is how you come back to safety together. Here's how to offer it:
Simple Co-Regulation Activities:
"Would it feel good to take a walk together?"
"Can we sit quietly for a bit and just be near each other?"
"What if we made some tea and didn't talk yet?"
Coloring together (you can't be in survival mode while coloring)
Breathing together, sitting back to back
Listening to music side by side
Notice the word "offer." You're not demanding. You're inviting.
If they say no, it's okay. You can still offer this to your inner child.
Why This Feels So Hard
The first time someone offered me co-regulation, tears poured down my face. I resisted it completely.
You might think: "You want me to ask someone to sit back to back and breathe after I've lost it? I can't do that."
This resistance makes sense. This is the intimacy you missed with your parents. This is the safety you needed when someone was screaming at you instead of helping you regulate.
This kind of intimacy is some of the most powerful healing you can do. Many people run from it their whole lives because it feels awkward.
Don't be a runner here. This is where real healing happens.
Create a Repair Jar
Make a jar filled with 8-12 co-regulation activities written on paper:
Go for a simple drive
Visit your favorite park
Take a walk
Listen to music together
Color or draw
Sit outside and blow bubbles
When you're activated, your rational mind isn't available. Having pre-made options removes the guesswork.
Step 8: Learn to Validate Without Collapsing
Validation says: "You're not crazy. This makes sense. I see you."
It's the opposite of defensiveness. It's how you come back together.
The Problem with Explanations
Most people think explaining is apologizing. It's not.
When you say: "I can see how that hurt you, but I was overwhelmed and didn't mean it"—you're actually being defensive.
The "but" cancels out everything before it. You're trying to make yourself feel better, not repair the relationship.
Healthy Validation Language:
"I can see how what I said hurt you." (Period. Full stop.)
"I accept that I need to handle that differently for both of us."
"You have every right to be upset with me."
"I understand why you're upset."
"Your feelings make sense."
"I reacted instead of responding, and that's not what you deserve."
The Mirror Technique
When validating, become a reflective mirror. Just show what you see.
A mirror doesn't try to change the image or adjust the lighting. It simply reflects.
Name what you observe:
"I can see how upset you are."
"I can see how much energy this took."
"I see how upsetting this was."
No explanations. No justifications. Just acknowledgment.
Step 9: Ask One Powerful Question
After a fight, ask this question: "What would help you feel closer right now?"
This isn't about fixing. It's about inviting connection.
This question is an olive branch. It says: "I want to feel closer, and I'm ready. Are you?"
When They Say "I Don't Know"
"I don't know" is not allowed. It keeps you stuck.
The actual work of relationships means not stopping at "I don't know." You must figure out an answer.
Possible Answers:
Sitting still together
Watching your favorite show so your nervous system can calm down
Sharing a meal
Both reading in bed while holding hands
A simple hug
It doesn't matter what you answer. It matters that you do answer.
Step 10: Repair Doesn't Mean Rehashing
Stop trying to dig up every detail to move forward.
Sometimes repair sounds like:
"I lost myself for a moment. I'm back now."
"That was hard. I want to come back together. Can we find our way?"
If You're Scared to Repair
Maybe repair in your family meant reopening the fight. That's dysfunction, not repair.
It's okay to say: "I can't and won't rehash. Let's just work on repair."
For Anxiously Attached People
You can't force someone to show up the way you want. You can't hinge your anxiety on another person's response.
The thought "I need to resolve this so I can feel better" puts the responsibility for your emotional state on someone else.
That's asking someone to be your parent, not your partner.
Sometimes the other person needs time and space before they can repair. That's part of adulting.
Step 11: Make Room for Mutual Repair
Healing becomes relational when both people can say: "That was hard, and I want to repair with you."
The Problem with Right Fighting
Dysfunctional homes teach "right fighting"—the need to establish being right above connection.
Signs you're a right fighter:
You need the last word
You need to be validated as right before you can repair
You lean into martyrdom
Right fighting makes connection nearly impossible.
Replace Right Fighting with Repair
Notice the part of you that just wants to be right. We all have this human ego.
Learn where this works and when it destroys intimacy.
Step 12: Model Healthy Repair Even When They Don't
If you're the first to try repair, that doesn't make you weak. It makes you emotionally courageous.
Being ready to repair first doesn't make you a better person. It just means you've learned this skill and it's available to you.
Don't Play Tit for Tat
"I'm not going to be better until you show up better" means everybody does worse.
If you have more natural or learned strength in repair, don't be stingy with it. You're modeling something someone might never have seen.
For Secure Attachment Types
If you have secure attachment and your partner doesn't, it's healthy to model your groundedness.
Show them it's not the end of the world and it's repairable.
Don't lower your standards for healthy connection. But if you can do it sooner, lean in and be the model.
Step 13: Let Mature Love Be Your Strength Training
Don't emotionally strength train fear. Train love instead.
Learning Repair is Worth It
Don't frighten yourself when it's hard. It won't always be this difficult.
Remember learning to drive? Your first day at any job? Everything feels awkward at first.
We learn by throwing ourselves into the work. That means embracing the awkwardness.
Awkward Doesn't Mean Wrong
Awkward doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. Awkward doesn't mean you'll never get it.
Don't let shame wash over you for learning something vulnerable and new.
If You Want to Feel Guilty
Feel guilty about knowing repair is an issue and choosing not to address it.
If you're attempting to address this in good faith, you're courageous. You're growing in wisdom and quality of life.
You're not allowed to feel bad for working to better yourself, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.
The Bigger Picture of Repair
You don't have to be perfect to be safe for yourself or someone else.
You just have to be willing to reflect, reconnect, and return to love.
Repair is a Practice
We live in organized chaos. Human beings bump into each other constantly. We all make mistakes and missteps.
Repair is one of the most useful muscles you could ever develop in this life.
Who Will Give This to You?
The very things you didn't get from your family of origin—who will give them to you if not you?
When you show up for yourself, you show up for everyone who loves you and everyone you love.
Repair in All Areas
You can repair with yourself. You can repair with others. You can repair in small, personal ways.
You can even invite repair in bigger ways:
Repair the political divide in your own heart
Let go of resentment toward people who are dead or long gone
Practice repair as a way of moving through the world
Your Next Steps
Healthiness isn't about knowing everything or being perfect. It's about willingness to learn what you missed.
Start with one technique from this guide. Practice it in your next conflict.
Remember: You don't have to be perfect to be safe. You just have to be willing to reflect, reconnect, and return to love.
Healing yourself isn't the least you can do. It's the most you can do.
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 16
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 9
- Bullying 5
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 10
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 75
- Existentialism 2
- Faith 1
- Family 28
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 13
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 52
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
- Masculinity 1
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 38
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 8
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 19
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 17
- Self Love 11
- Self Respect 1
- Self-Care 26
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 16
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 9
- Bullying 5
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 10
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 75
- Existentialism 2
- Faith 1
- Family 28
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 13
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 52
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
- Masculinity 1
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 38
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 8
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 19
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 17
- Self Love 11
- Self Respect 1
- Self-Care 26
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