Sean Combs AKA Diddy on Trial - How to Recognize Bedroom Fun vs Abuse
The allegations surrounding Sean "Diddy" Combs have captured public attention, but beyond the celebrity headlines lies a deeper truth we need to discuss. The type of alleged domestic violence and abuse being uncovered through the Diddy trial isn't exclusive to the rich and powerful—it's happening in communities everywhere.
The Reality Behind the Headlines
It's easy to assume that the kind of alleged abuse we're hearing about could only happen to someone involved with a super-rich, connected, or powerful person. But after 19 years as a trauma therapist working extensively with child and adult victims of narcissistic and sociopathic abuse, I can tell you this: this type of abuse is not rare in the world or in the West.
Culture shapes the society we all live in, whether we engage with it or not. Diddy has been a cultural force for decades, wielding enormous influence. The allegations against him may seem otherworldly, but the patterns of abuse being described are devastatingly familiar to those of us who work in this field.
You have likely met people in your life who have escaped the insane entanglements of master manipulators—people who say they love you with one hand while hurting and disrespecting you with the other.
Understanding the True Nature of Abuse
What we often think of as sexual abuse or "deviant" behavior is really about domination. It's an abuse of power that reigns over someone's will, their very soul. Sex is just one mechanism these abusers use. Others employ:
Physical abuse to control and dominate
Food and body shaming to manipulate
Financial control as a weapon
Emotional manipulation and gaslighting
The thrill for these abusers isn't necessarily the specific act—it's the total, utter dominance of another human being's personhood.
The Difference Between Consent and Coercion
Let me be clear about something important: when intimate activities are done right, everybody involved is genuinely happy about participating. They are free and clear to assert everything they don't like, to say yes or no, to negotiate, and to assert themselves before, during, and after. Negotiation is wholly safe and even encouraged.
Any situation that doesn't have this vibe—where you are not free and clear to speak up—is likely walking toward manipulation, if not already there.
The allegations in the Diddy case, including testimony from his longtime girlfriend Cassie about alleged forced encounters, illustrate this crucial distinction. These are not consensual activities between willing participants—they are alleged acts of coercion and control.
Why Abusers Crave Control
This type of abuse makes abusers feel alive. The way a beautiful sunrise can make an empath cry with joy, overwhelming power and control creates a dark euphoria for these individuals. Something is bent, twisted, or kinked in their human condition—whether through DNA, life experience, or both.
I know this because I lived it. I was with an abusive man very much like the person being described in these allegations. I finally realized that if I didn't save myself, I would have ended up dead. So I left in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on my back.
The Many Ways We Can Die
There are countless people all over the world who look in the mirror every day feeling bone-deep fear that the person they've tried to love may become the end of them. And I don't just mean death in the traditional sense of domestic violence as murder.
People can die from:
Addiction triggered by trauma
Suicide from despair
The worst way of all: staying alive while feeling dead inside
There are so many ways the life force of who we are can be sucked out of us.
The Path to Freedom: Taking Ownership
Here's what had to happen for me to finally show up for myself and save my own life. It's tough, but it's necessary.
1. Accept That It's All On You
Many people in mental health fields shy away from this truth because they're scared of the weight of personal responsibility when someone already feels weighted down. But from someone who has lived through it and worked with survivors for 19 years, I can tell you this is a paradox: it's actually lighter to embrace and own this responsibility.
Accepting that it's all on you means you're finally willing to look at the truth of things. This isn't fun—it sucks royally. But acceptance sets us up on the freedom path. We cannot walk toward freedom if we're not willing to deal with the truth.
2. There Are No White Knights
This phrase isn't about convincing you that no one will ever help you. It's about not setting yourself up to wait for rescue while your life goes by in misery, chaos, and pain. It's about getting your own life in gear.
The essence of being a child is that they cannot act in their own best interest—other forces have control. The essence of being an adult means you must choose and exert your own power over your own life force and destiny.
If you're staying next to an abusive character, that's on you if you're an adult. You must stop doing that if you want a reasonable, healthy, stable, and safe life.
3. You Must Be the Sane One
When we're with master manipulators, we start to lose our grip on what's real and what's false. We give our power away, letting them make decisions for us because we're trying to keep the peace. They promise us that if we just let them have control, it will be peaceful. That's a lie.
We have to realize: I need to act sane, even when I might feel very crazy or insane.
The Crucial Realization
Here's the thought that helped me find freedom: When I have as much evidence as I do that this person is unwilling to grow, change, or take responsibility—when they're only willing to point outward and blame me—if I keep staying in this dynamic, I must be the insane one.
Who do we think is going to decide we've had enough abuse? When we're with a master manipulator, we actually believe the abuser is going to make that decision for us. That's how we give our power away.
I had to face this question: Am I really waiting for this person who is treating me terribly to let me know when I've had enough abuse?
The Essential Question
Where and when did I learn to give my power away?
For me, I grew up in a home where keeping the narcissists happy meant always giving my power away. If I tried to hold onto my power, I would be shamed, hit, punished, belittled, or terrorized. So I learned, like a smart, obedient girl, to give my power away to abusive people.
As a young woman, I found a man who would let me continue playing out that same dynamic. I didn't cause this pattern in my life, but as an adult, I had to own it—no matter how unfair that felt.
This is Part 1 of a two-part series. In Part 2, we'll explore practical steps for leaving abusive situations and the specific tactics manipulators use to maintain control.
If you or someone you know is in an unhealthy, unsafe relationship, please reach out for help. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org.
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 15
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 9
- Bullying 5
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 8
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 74
- Existentialism 2
- Faith 1
- Family 25
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 11
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 52
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 38
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 7
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 15
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 16
- Self Love 11
- Self Respect 1
- Self-Care 26
- Sex 1
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 15
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 9
- Bullying 5
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 8
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 74
- Existentialism 2
- Faith 1
- Family 25
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 11
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 52
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 38
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 7
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 15
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 16
- Self Love 11
- Self Respect 1
- Self-Care 26
- Sex 1
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